Inappropriate Laughter...

So I kind of got myself into some trouble today... not really trouble, but it was something of an issue.

They had a memorial service at the University for JD, one of our RAs who recently died of cancer -- and he also happens to be my 2nd cousin. When I first got to ISU I had no idea who he was, but he was the first RA I met on campus and he helped me a lot with my first training and learning about the students here. He was an amazing guy who touched a lot of people and inspired so many. Then my folks told me that my mom's cousin, Jeff, had a son who was an RA -- I immediately knew it was JD because once I thought about it, he looks like a Miller and has the height.

Anyway, so I don't deal well with strong emotions -- especially grief. which is strange considering the amount that I've experienced in my 31 years -- most of it before I was 18. That could be the issue.. maybe I never learned how to express it properly so I just suppress it.. When I was younger my sister and I would deal with the thousands of funerals we went to (ok it wasn't thousands but it sure felt like it at the time) by joking around. We would sit in back and make jokes to make each other laugh so neither of us had to deal with what was going on around us. I guess that's my fall back and what I do now.

So, I was told that this memorial was going to be a celebration of life, not a sad memorial.

They lied. It was sad. how could it not be? Of course, they could have made it less sad, but anyway. They had people up talking about what a wonderful guy JD was and I was tearing up.. which I guess I should mention that since I was about 5, crying in public FREAKS ME OUT and I typically leave if I feel myself tearing up no matter what the situation. Except in this thing I can't leave so here I am, tearing up.. hoping no one notices... and starting to have a mini panic attack at the though of crying in public. (Am I messed up or WHAT?!) So they have this lady sing Amazing Grace. Now, there are two songs at a funeral that I absolutely cannot listen to, the first is Taps and the second is Amazing Grace... so now I'm kind of falling into a mini hysteria mode with the tears and trying to do all I can to hold them back and not break down like a maniac in the middle of this memorial -- AT MY WORK with my boss and the PRESIDENT of the university sitting directly in front of me.

So my brain shuts down... I can feel the room fading out and in it's place is the stand up routine of Eddie Izzard and he's talking doing his shtick that anyone can sing opera, all they need to do is sing a note and shake the microphone -- then the room rushes back to me and I can hear his voice in my head about shaking the microphone and can hear the woman singing -- and it sounds just like Eddie Izzard singing the note while shaking the microphone. I let out a startled giggle.. and then i can't stop. It's either giggle or sob hysterically-- of course I giggled.. huge, almost soundless giggles.. the kind that make my face all red, and my entire body shake... and I can't make them stop. I know I sound disrespectful. I know people are going to be pissed. And I still can't stop. they are silent by now, but I'm shaking like a leaf and I'm thinking (God, I hope they think I'm crying not laughing.. what a nightmare) but I still can't stop the laughing. Every time I thought I had it under control I'd hear Eddie Izzards voice in my head about just shaking the mic and I'd lose it again... Finally, I got it back under control...

Then they played a slide show and I almost lost it again.. this time to the sobbing...

I need to stop going to memorial services... I can't deal with them.

So, I know I was unforgivably rude, though I will never say disrespectful because I would never EVER disrespect JDs memory -- and I know he would totally understand and would have laughed too if he heard what was going on in my head. So, I posted a facebook status about everyone grieving in different ways... in my head, it was an apology for my behavior and asking people to forgive me for the laughing and realize that it was not meant in disrespect...

A friend of mine thought I was attacking him because apparently he made a comment about my laughing... So I sent him an explanation.. and decided that I needed to blog about it as well...

I feel kind of bad about it, because people thought I was being disrespectful, but on the other hand I don't feel bad at all because I was coping the only way I know how and I can't feel bad about that...

We all grieve in different ways.. some of us cry for a live lost too young, and other's celebrate a life lived well with laughter... some grieve for a day and other's for a lifetime.. it's different for each person

That was my facebook status.. and I'm not changing it.. because the meaning and intent behind it still stand.. even if my friend felt it was aimed at him -- it wasn't.