Well, I called Saturn this week and told them to go ahead and fix the darn thing. They won't give me anything for it so I can't trade it and can't get anything out of it unless it's fixed. So hopefully I'll at least be able to trade it in eventually...
Having a decent week.. actually a really good week.
I made a decision a few weeks ago...
When things went wrong with my car I kind of realized that as I grew up and in my 20's I matured in some areas, but still looked at myself and my life the way I always did and never took time to reevaluate what was really important to me in my life. I don't mean to say I never self evaluate -- I did that when I removed most of the drama people in my life.. but I never looked at how I look at life. When my car broke and they demanded all of the receipts and dates of oil changes I realized a few things...
I'm GREAT at taking care of other people -- horrible at taking care of myself. I'm not the only one in my world who is like that -- we learn those things from our family -- but it's not an excuse to remain that way.
So I started looking at how I look at my life, my things, myself. I pretty much didn't really have a life philosophy or goals -- just kind of floated through life fixing things that were wrong as I went but never planning for the future. It's the commitment issues... But then I realized that I don't have those issues any more -- anywhere except for stuff in my personal life.
When I was a teenager, I was CONVINCED that I was going to die before I was 30. I don't know why I had that thought in my head, but it was something I just knew would happen so I didn't plan life past 30. When you live a life with that conviction -- nothing really means anything. As I got older I stopped believing that, but I didn't change how I lived my life. So I didn't pay attention to things like car repairs, keeping receipts, eating healthy, exercising, keeping in touch with loved ones, staying out of debt, or anything else that creates a solid future... It just wasn't something I ever thought about...
For some reason, my car breaking and the warranty that I bought thinking would take care of crap like this not paying for it was a slap in the face and I realized something --
I needed to change the way I live my life. I'm an adult and need to take responsibility for myself and the things in my life. Not that I didn't. I pay my bills on time, most of the time, but the little things.. keeping receipts, paying attention to politics and the news, making informed decisions, making healthy lifestyle choices...
I've resisted these kinds of changes for a long time. I'm fat. I'm not chubby, heavy, obese, overweight, or any of the other words used to describe it.. I, Steph P, am fat. If my saying that makes you uncomfortable, I don't care. If my saying it doesn't make me uncomfortable then it shouldn't make you feel uncomfortable. I've come to terms with it. I used to believe that I was somehow less of a person because I'm fat. That I wasn't good enough because I was fat. I believed that because society told me those things, and sometimes even people I loved who loved me, told me that -- though they never meant to and certainly didn't mean to, but they did with the words they chose and the things they would say. "Steph, don't you want to lose weight so you can find a husband and have a family?" "Steph, you'd be so beautiful if you'd lose weight." "Steph, I read an article the other day that overweight people make less and are less likely to get the job they want than skinnier people. Don't you think you should think about losing weight?" "Steph, we love you, but don't you think you'd be happier if you were skinny?" All of these are implying that I am somehow less than other people because I'm fat. They were all comments certainly meant with the best of intentions. So, being me, I resisted changing to prove to everyone else that I didn't need to change to be beautiful, intelligent, have a great career, blah blah blah... But really all those comments did was make me question my worth... The world ALMOST had me convinced that I am less than other people because I'm fat.
When I had my epiphany with my car it included these questions and thoughts about my life... and I realized something.. somewhere along the line I actually began to like myself... I began to realize that while I have faults, I'm a good person and have no more or no less than everyone else... and I stopped caring so much what people thought and said about me.. I started using the word fat.. BECAUSE it's the word people whisper behind my back.. I stopped being ashamed of being fat and started embracing it. I started talking about it openly.. some of my friends and I refer to ourselves as "the fat kids," which we think is funny... at one point if anyone said the word fat I would blush and stammer... now I own it.. I'm fat. So what?! It doesn't mean I'm less, it means I have a slower metabolism and I eat more than you do. Who cares? How does that affect you in any way? And if it does, do I really care? Nope. Does it mean I'm lazy? No, it just means I choose to read a book instead of running a mile. It doesn't have to be an either or.. just different priorities... being fit hasn't been a priority for me, but neither has watching TV.. I'm a reader. :) Books always have and always will be a priority for me...
But change is coming. I did make some decisions regarding my health. Here's the deal. I could care less if I'm fat or thin. I have no desire to be skinny just to catch a man... I don't want the kind of man that would have that as a requirement anyway. However, I do need to start making healthier choices. So, I will start eating better and will start exercising. I'm not doing it because I hate myself or how I look. I'm doing it because I'm finally starting to love myself and want to treat myself better and start learning how to take care of myself. If I lose weight, awesome.. if I don't I don't care. All I want is the knowledge that I'm taking care of myself to the best of my ability.
So, the task is overwhelming, but my friend Tracey gave me a beautiful piece of advice. Don't try to do it all at once. Pick one healthy thing a week to begin incorporating into my life. If I do it for a full week, reward myself on the weekend. I'm on week 4 and I'm doing ok. Not perfect, but pretty good -- MUCH better than I was.. the break down was below.
Week 1: Get a journal and write down everything I eat and delete regular soda from my diet -- drink diet soda when drinking soda -- easy right? Not if you knew how much soda I drank. Once I started listing what I ate I could physically see how I could make small changes..
Week 2: Eat one salad a day -- horrible because I have always hated salad, but I did it and realized that I don't really hate salad, I HATE iceberg lettuce. So, I have learned about different lettuces and the ones I do and don't like.
Week 3: Only eat out once a week. This has been the best one because it saves me money AND is fun. My friends and I all used to go out every Thursday for dinner and drinks. Since I implemented this we decided to have a Family Dinner at my house every Thursday instead and everyone brings a dish. It's a lot of fun!! :) This week is lasagna week, next week is tacos.. we have our Thursday meals planned for the next two months...
Week 4: Drink 64 oz of water a day. This one is a bit of a challenge. I get in about 40 - 50 oz a day, but it's difficult to get the full 64 oz. I am down to 1 - 2 diet sodas a day and I've even started craving salad.. how's that for a one time salad hater.. :) I have also implemented healthy snacks so that I'm eating every 2 hours so that I never get really hungry and don't gorge myself at meal time. I just finished a banana, and keep apples and carrots in my desk at work.
We'll see how it goes... I'll keep you updated... but please keep in mind that I'm not doing this to lose weight.. I haven't weighed myself and will not because I won't be successful if I look at it as a weight loss plan because I'll feel like a cop out and will be demotivated on those weeks that I don't lose anything.. So it's just to implement healthier options into my life and to start, for the first time ever, taking care of myself because I love me. For the first time in my life -- I love me. :) It's a good feeling -- you should try it!!
Hey, Steph. Glad to see you have a blog. I was always convinced too that I would die before 30. I've never heard anyone else say that but I believed that for as long as I can remember. I hate to say that while I've passed 30, I still feel like death is close on my heels. Odd.
ReplyDeleteI like your goals too. I keep falling off the wagon and as I age the reality that I could die of a heart attack because of all this belly fat becomes more and more real. My biggest crutch is diet sodas and I thought I would caution you here. The sugar substitute does eliminate calories but it is also a hunger stimulant so you end up eater more anyway. Irritating. Best wishes.